Does it hurt to feel understood? Do you long for that look that says “I understand you”? If you’ve been married for a while, the words: “You just don’t understand me!” it probably passed your lips. It’s frustrating to be misunderstood! Common misunderstandings are the catalyst for a host of other marital challenges. You can end your suffering from now on.

When you feel like your partner just doesn’t understand you, it’s a clue that you need to fill up your own emotional tank. Stop pointing your finger at your partner and turn it towards you. Ask yourself:

“What do I really want now?”
“What assurance do I seek from him or her?”
“What will make me feel complete?”

The answers to these questions provide the nourishment that will eliminate your frustration at being misunderstood by your life partner. Your marriage or partnership will be strengthened when you actively create your own well-being.

Knowing what you want is the first step to achieving it. Finding creative ways to get what you want will end the game of hoping your partner can meet your needs. For example, suppose you want attention. You want your spouse to notice and take care of you. Identify what you can do for yourself to achieve this feeling of caring. Rent your favorite movie, take a relaxing bath, and make a list of 50 things you appreciate about yourself. Yes, 50! You will feel great and the waiting game with your partner may end.

Instead of seeking assurances from your spouse, fill up on what you know to be true about yourself. Imagine the words you want to hear coming from him or her. Now go ahead and reinforce those guarantees. Identify what will be most comforting to you. What is the most stimulating and relaxing? Use self-talk in phrases like “Good job!” “I did it!” “I am amazing!” “I see the opportunity for growth here.” “I’m getting better all the time!” Bring that feel-good energy into your marriage.

Being complete with your partner is a romantic idea. Two perfect halves that come together. However, a truly strong relationship begins with two wholes. Each person, complete. Each of us is continually evolving and experiencing ebbs and flows in our state of being. However, we are still responsible for “filling” ourselves. Try to fill yourself with well-being. Let go of guilt and shortcomings and start noticing all the wonderful aspects of yourself and your life. When you feel whole, you won’t feel misunderstood.

So remember, when you feel misunderstood and puzzled by what your spouse might be thinking, refocus your attention on you. The first step is to identify what you want. Then get creative to fill yourself with what you expected from your partner. Now you can turn to your partner as a complete couple and embark on a mature journey together in an ever-evolving marriage.