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sexual problems after baby

Many couples struggle with sex after the birth of a baby. In fact, it’s such a common problem that most people just accept that sex is off the table with a new baby in the house.

There just isn’t enough sleep, time, or energy to go around. Midnight feedings, diaper changes, stroller rides, and well-meaning visitors stopping by to see the newest member of the family are just plain exhausting. It’s no wonder that one in four couples have problems with sex after having a baby.

Also, there is no way to explain unless you have been there how a little 7lb. being can turn your life completely upside down. Say goodbye to midnight ice cream runs, impromptu Sunday matinees, and sleeping in on Saturday morning before heading out for a run. In fact, for a while you too can say goodbye to racing!

Although your doctor may give you the go-ahead to start having sex after 6 weeks, not all women or men are ready to restart their sex lives. The 6-week mark simply means that a woman’s body has sufficiently returned to its pre-pregnancy state. It does not mean that she is ready to have sex. She may still feel fragile from the experience of labor and delivery. She may also have “baby blues,” the period of sadness that some women feel after they no longer receive care for a pregnancy. Her body may still be secreting moisture that can complicate intercourse. If she is breastfeeding, she may have trouble sharing her body sexually.

In addition, for some it is difficult to adapt to the role of parent, setting aside their own needs for the needs of a baby. Other people need time to get used to the idea of ​​playing two roles: father and lover. Often one person is a bit ahead of the other; Patience is needed for both partners to be ready to resume their sexual lives.

However, by five or six months, most couples are having sex again, even if it’s not as often as they’d like. Moms sometimes complain of feeling “touched” from carrying a baby all the time. Dads complain of exhaustion from all the work a baby requires.

What can couples do about sex after having a baby?

  • Talk to each other about what you are experiencing in terms of being parents, spouses, and lovers. Do you find it challenging to balance your roles or do you find it rewarding? Is there one role that is more challenging than another? Why? What role do you need to pay attention to? How can you make time for each role so that you are or stay in balance?
  • What do you need from your partner now to feel wanted and sexy, even if you’re not ready to have sex? What can you do to feel desirable, to remind yourself that you are more than a father?
  • Are there things the two of you can do to remind yourselves that you’re lovers that it’s not just about having sex? Can you put on some music and slow dance? Sit in the backyard and watch the moon rise together? Give yourself a foot massage? Bring your partner their favorite snack?
  • Is there anything uncomfortable about either person’s body that prevents you from having sex? Even caring for a baby can cause aches and pains as she turns and bends to feed, diaper and hold a baby. If so, what do you need to feel more comfortable? You need a break? A table at the right height?
  • Identify trusted adults who will give you a break from caring for a baby, even if it’s just for an hour while the two of you have a cup of coffee together. Just getting some fresh air and some alone time can make a world of difference in reminding you that you are still lovers.

What if your sex life stalls for more than five or six months? It may be a sign that one or both of you are struggling with some aspect of life with the baby. If you can’t figure it out on your own, or if you find yourself fighting over sex or intimacy, then consulting a therapist who specializes in sex and couples therapy could be very helpful. Don’t wait for the problem to go away. Many couples become pregnant with a second child before they have resolved the problems they had after the birth of the first baby. That could be a mistake, because the problems can get worse with each child that arrives. There is no reason to be in a sexless marriage because there is a baby or young child in the house; someone in or near your community will be able to help.

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