For a relationship to culminate in a long-term committed and successful union, a five-step relationship-building process must be recognized, understood, and gone through.

The five steps necessary for a long-term relationship

The path from the initial introduction to a long-term committed relationship goes through five separate relationship stages: (1) Step 1: The Transitional Relationship, (2) Step 2: The Recreational Relationship, (3) Step 3: The Commitment Previous Relationship, (4) Step 4: The Committed Relationship, and (5) Step 5: The Marital Relationship. (For a discussion of recreational, pre-committed, and committed relationships, see David Steele, mindful dating(Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008)).

This article addresses the fourth step in the relationship building process, Step 4: The Committed Relationship.

Committed relationship is the time for both partners to come together

The previously completed recreational and pre-commitment stages were aimed at the of the individual chemistry and logical analysis, respectively. The committed step shifts the focus to the couple as team himself in relation to others. The focus is no longer on the “me” and the “me”. Now the focus turns to “Us”, “Our” and “Us”.

a committed relationship It is one in which both partners believe that their personal individual requirements can be met in the relationship. Their attention now turns to the future, and specifically how they, as couple working together, commit to making the relationship between them work.

Goal and the motivating question. The goal of a committed relationship is to develop ways to solve problems constructively and manage differences that arise in any relationship. The driving question that drives this relationship is: “How can we as a couple make this work?”

The roles that you and your partner play. Typically, partners in a couple refer to each other as “my fiancé” and are very public about their relationship. The conversation turns to making plans for their future together.

the nature of a committed relationship. The “feeling” in the committed stage is that of close-knit teamwork. A sense of “we’re in this together” around shared values ​​of how each person wants to spend the rest of their lives together. This is the first time that the couple, working together, is given responsibility for the development of the relationship. Until now, the theme has been individuals doing the work, separate and apart from their partner. Now the couple works together to figure out how WE can make this relationship work.

Both you and your partner are expected to be team players who are willing and able to commit to make the relationship work. Note that in the committed relationship stage, all the individual requirements of both partners have been worked out in the previous pre-engagement stage. Therefore, any compromise for the good of the team is in the area of ​​desires, not non-negotiable requirements.

The back doors to a Engaged relationship

“Back doors” are ways to “escape” the relationship.

The back door to a transitional, recreational, or pre-commitment relationship is relatively simple, even easy. They might end with some version of “This Ain’t Working For Me,” and then say goodbye à la Paul Simons, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” I know this is oversimplifying a complex and highly emotional situation. Still, there is no legal contract to void and only a moderately strong social/psychological contract that holds the couple together.

On the other hand, ending a committed relationship is more difficult. There are no legal contracts yet, but the social/psychological contract is extraordinarily strong. Time has been spent creating plans together for a future as a couple. The expectations are deep and wide. Often wedding plans are in the works.

A client of mine ended a multi-year relationship two weeks before the wedding, causing a rift in his family. Ten years later, her brothers are still so angry and resentful that they refuse to be in a relationship with her sister, who was only preventing a big mistake by ending the relationship.

Potential problems with a committed relationship

The committed relationship requires the two partners to work together using their interpersonal skills to solve problems and manage conflict. Common possible difficult problems include where to live. Who works, doing what? When, if ever, start a family? How many children? How and how much money to save? How much to involve the in-laws in your life? The list goes on.

But what if they can’t, or don’t want to, find answers to questions like these? The relationship suffers and failure is possible.

Among the most common ways we fail the committed step are:

(1) Taking the relationship for granted and expecting the other partner to do all the work,

(2) Trying to do all the work yourself and excluding your partner,

(3) Treat a wish as a requirement,

(4) Not willing to give in,

(5) Refusing to learn and use the problem-solving and conflict-management skills necessary to make the committed relationship work.

So what is the point?

Making a commitment with another person to live life together as an intimate couple is a serious, life-changing decision. It involves more than chemistry and trust that the requirements of both parties can be met. In the previous three stages of the relationship, most of the relationship development is each individual making calculations about “What’s in it for me?”

However, in the committed relationship stage, the stakes are raised considerably. Now the problem is whether the two people, working together, can make the relationship successful and lasting. Equally important, do they have the willpower Put in the effort and learning that is required for the relationship to be successful?

Making a commitment with another person to live life together requires courage, determination, and the humility to admit that you don’t know all the answers and that you are willing to learn. Your life is changing. Will you have the courage to dissolve your resistance to the changes that a committed relationship brings and make yourself vulnerable to another person so that you can co-create the relationship of your dreams?