Do men really get screwed in a divorce? I know this contradicts the cultural view that women facing divorce are really the victims, but by average standards, if you look at the studies and the actual results, men are also victims.

Here’s something to start with. Seven out of 10 divorces are initiated by women across the United States. According to Divorce-Lawyer-Source.com, 70% of divorces involving children result in the mother gaining custody.

Here is another fact. According to WebMD, divorced men are two and a half times more likely to commit suicide compared to married men. Divorce appears to take a greater emotional toll on men than on women. Men generally get suckered into custody battles, have to deal with a tarnished reputation and depressing consequences.

Marriage can suck, I know. But divorce for a man is like a train moving at 70 miles per hour and hitting him on the railroad tracks.

These are the things that men typically experience when a divorce occurs:

1. A sense of remorse. Was it that bad? The Yorkshire Building Society shows that 56% of men experience remorse and regret over a failed marriage compared to 45% of women.

2. Sense of shame. “Everyone knows about me now.” That’s huge for a guy.

3. A sense of betrayal.

4. An overwhelming sense of emotional turmoil.

5. Great economic distress.

I have taken a different approach to the whole subject of male divorce and how it affects men after interviewing many men who have faced the pain of divorce, listening to them in training sessions, and reviewing numerous studies and research on divorce.

This is what I see as the alternate reality in divorce cases:

1. Remorse is good. It means that you are in a mode to recognize what your role was in the whole mess. It takes two people to create a mess. Nobody is totally innocent. Nobody is totally guilty. Enlightenment and changes are often born in the midst of remorse. Don’t walk away from it.

2. Embarrassment is normal in this circumstance. Who wants their dirty clothes to be exposed to the world, to the children, to the family by a “crazy” wife? Just don’t be hard on yourself. This is embarrassing! When you embrace the concept that the “accuser”, psychologically speaking, ALWAYS has more problems than the “accused”, you will be able to turn your pain into growing pain. That’s the key!

3. Betrayal is only in the eyes of the beholder! It’s what you choose to believe that will get you! A woman who betrays her husband has to betray her own PROMISE to him, first! Self-betrayal is the worst kind of self-punishment anyone can inflict on themselves! She can never “betray” you if you choose not to be her victim! Enough talk! Hurts? Sure it does. Here’s one more thing about betrayal. It doesn’t matter when or how… when a woman betrays a guy, chances are she has betrayed herself in other areas before and she will do it again and again. Get over. It’s her character that’s on display, not yours!

4. An overwhelming sense of emotional turmoil. Well, of course! What do you think? Divorce is worse than death. Death is terminal. Divorce is unfinished business for the rest of your life. Divorce means dealing with emotional overload for a long, long time. I think that men are more fragile, emotionally speaking, than women. Men know how to conquer and fight as long as there is something to conquer and fight for. Women are survivors. Women are wired differently. They are made for guerrilla warfare. I understand? Be easy on yourself.

5. Great economic distress. Initially, women are never perceived as “gold diggers”, but their survival instinct should never be underestimated. Hear the saying? “First time for love, second time for money?” That is a woman’s dream once she walks the halls of “divorce land”. Loving women can turn into “bloodthirsty wolves” in a matter of days. When faced with financial hardship, I say, “Treat it like you would a bankruptcy situation. Be honest. Do your best and take this opportunity to show your best side.”

Here are the things you can do right now to move on with your life before you believe DIVORCE FAILED YOU! (You always have control over what you believe)

1. Life is made up of “belief systems”.
what you think about a
situation is more important than the reality of what happened to you
you. If you think you were wrong, you have. If you don’t, you didn’t! Is it that simple or what? You have a choice. Forever.

2. Allow yourself time to cry.
Guys have a hard time dealing with emotions. The women who dump them don’t want to see the guy crying or showing emotion. They don’t know what to do with it. Run away faster! To remember? Women are survivors! Cry, feel the pain, be emotional. There’s nothing wrong. You just experienced a huge loss!!!

3. Clean your life proactively and quickly.

This is the best time to do it. Take a good look at the reasons why your wife left you. Be honest with yourself. Write down those reasons and discuss them. If you need to go back to your children or to the people you have offended with the traits your wife accuses you of, she goes back to those people and asks for their forgiveness. Don’t use that time to make yourself look innocent, good, or a victim. Losers do that. Real man, he apologizes and moves on. Get rid of any emotional baggage. Stay away from unhealthy relationships, especially if they involve other women. Confess and do what you need to do spiritually to experience renewal and a sense of meaning. Go back to church. Join a support group.

4. Stop blaming!

Guys who blame a woman for their misery are losers! Blaming is about finding someone to blame for your misery. Your wife is doing it. Never “imitate” an angry woman! You have a choice, you know? Every time. When you blame, you are telling everyone that you are not in control.

5. Choose your friends carefully

Stay away from family, relatives, and friends who feel sorry for you or feel negative about your wife. The worst thing you can do. It’s toxic. You need people to clarify why your wife left you; People who encourage you to grow.

6. Get on with your life

Keep active. Play your life for all you’re worth. Join a support group. Get in the habit of acting “normal.” Feelings always follow actions. If you wait to feel happy, you won’t.

7. Get creative with your new situation

Read and meet healthy people. The worst form of “creativity”? Start dating right away… So many guys do that! Also, the worst form of revenge or “healing”. For starters, a woman who leaves a marriage while having the “support” of another relationship is “fucked up” in the head. You don’t have to worry about where she’s going. Again, don’t “mimic” that behavior.

8. Love your children and connect with them as if nothing ever happened.

This is hard! Just do it! You can love your children and connect with them without burdening them with your emotional pain. If you have to share your pain, do it without “blaming” your mother. One of the most toxic forms of “connection” is called triangulation. That’s when you connect using another person in the process. This is one of the best times to connect with your children, Dad! Don’t lose your luck. Be honest. Share with them how you failed. Tell them how you plan to move on with your life. Cry if you have to. BE HONEST! They will love you forever!

9. CREATE YOUR NEW REALITY

Faith is incredibly powerful. Faith is the ability to believe a reality. Faith is energizing. Faith is about believing in new possibilities. Faith is believing in action. Stop dreaming or wishing things were different. She has left. Plan three things: 1. How you are going to get on with your life. 2. Plan for your return. He plans to see her again. 3. He plans to never see her again. weird, huh? Plan to see her the next day at the grocery store. He plans to see her with the other guy. Plan everything in your head. Plan not to know what is going on in her head. Plan to deal with the possible games of it. Plan to be in control of every situation like a winner, not a loser. Mental preparation is important. Think and act with control, you will be in control! Think and act as if you are in control, it will be shown that you are not in control!

10. Seek counseling if it helps.
Find a psychotherapist who will help you move forward, not one who gets bogged down in their own stuff or protects their agenda. You don’t need a psychotherapist to tell you why your wife left you. Now you know! She left you because she hated your guts! What else do you need? Does her mood match reality? Whose reality? Does that mean you’re a bad guy? NOT!!!! That is your reality. Leave it alone. Just accept her end of the deal from her and walk with her because this is YOUR opportunity to grow.

Do men really get screwed in a divorce? Yes and no. Divorce is a symptom of a deeper problem in our culture. If it’s true that 7 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women across the country, it also means there’s a lot of displaced and unspoken “male pain.” No one will come to our rescue. It’s up to us to understand the bigger issues at stake and do something about them. First, I suggest that we must become better men, thus avoiding the escalation of divorce. Good men don’t get divorced and leave their families behind. I really believe this! Second, we need to teach our boys how to be good men; how to stand up and be leaders. Third, if the divorce has already happened, take an inventory of your life and decide that the divorce is not the end of your life. Scars can turn into stars. You can become an agent of change in your own world. It is totally up to us to decide if divorce will ruin us or not. You always have a choice. It does not matter that!