I know you’re asking, “WAH?” but she thinks about this. How many married people over the age of forty do you know who say they are not having sex?

How many friends do you have who have been married for 20+ years and complain that they never have sex with their spouse? I know, I know… the stress, the kids still living at home, the activities and commitments wear us all out. Those are all good reasons, but do you feel less connected to your spouse? Is all his talk about the kids, making ends meet, and the next disastrous expense he’s about to pay? Has sex become an afterthought? When you finally have a relaxing night, are you spending it watching an adult TV show, Chinese food delivery, and sleeping by 10?

I’m not saying this isn’t legitimate, but in the realm of taking care of everyone, have you neglected each other? When you have the chance to get smug, does your spouse notice? Have you forgotten what intimacy is? Are there days you wish you had some but your spouse just isn’t on the same wavelength? Do you care more?

Life has us putting our own basic physical needs on the back burner. I’m talking about food, shelter, and feeling connected to someone. We all want it. No one really wants to be alone, but are there days in a crowded house when you feel lonely? Your spouse is doing their share of the housework, ie working and bringing home a paycheck, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, but you feel disconnected. Is intimacy the last thing you think you have time for?

Now chat with your single friends in their forties. What are you talking about? If they are in a relationship they talk about intimacy. If they are not with anyone, they look for someone interested in giving it to them. Many of the people I have spoken with mention how they have realized the importance of intimacy and sex in their relationships.

Most are divorced and have lost intimacy with their spouses. Many of them thought they had hormonal or identification problems and have since discovered that this is far from the truth. Not making intimacy and sex a priority caused her lack of desire. Some of them were very surprised to discover that over 40s (and over 50s) have just as much desire as they did at 30 (so 50 is the new 30). For most, the function is also not a problem.

If sex has become a taboo activity in your home, bring it back! Date night, mini-vacations just for the two of you, and adding toys and flavored lubes can help get the spark back. Remembering what brought you together in the beginning is a good place to start. And never forget to read. I’m not talking about Penthouse and Playboy, but blogs or books about intimacy and foreplay. Learn to enjoy each other again.