As I conduct workplace violence prevention training workshops across Canada, I am frequently approached by parents concerned about the safety of their children.

What should I say? – How should I say it? – When should I say it? – How much should I say?

Some parents try to scare their children into thinking about awareness and safety. Other parents avoid talking about personal safety at all, expressing concern about scaring their children or robbing them of their childhood innocence.

There is no single answer to all of this. Like many issues related to teaching children, a work-in-progress approach is most beneficial. A one-time chat or reading a safety book with your child can be helpful, but ultimately, for a number of reasons, it may not really improve our children’s personal safety.

We can use child abduction as an example. Statistically, the chance of a stranger kidnapping a child is pretty remote. Much attention is devoted to teaching children to prepare for this possible but unlikely event.

The fact is that child abuse is more likely to occur in the closest circles of family, friends, trusted professionals, neighbors, etc. So why do we spend so much time focused on strangers when statistically we should be focused on our inner circles?

Having said that, parents just want their children to be safe, so what can be done that is effective? Some of the same skills that protect your child from strangers will also improve your child’s personal safety in situations closer to home.

Early Years: First of all, I anticipate that your children under the age of 6 will always be near you (in your sight) or in the care of someone whom you have carefully background checked; who focuses on security (daycare, bus service, babysitters, etc.) If this is the case, abduction by a stranger is highly unlikely. With this kind of diligent supervision, abduction coping strategies don’t need to be your training focus, and realistically, they may be a bit beyond your child’s comprehension as well.

In my opinion, parents at this stage should talk to their children about “appropriate touch,” personal boundaries, and encourage children to communicate when they don’t feel comfortable with what someone said or did.

Talking to strangers: My wife and I never discourage our children from greeting people and making small talk. An assertive child with good communication skills, who is in tune with his intuition, is less likely to become a victim. Again, anticipating that you or your child’s caregivers are present during these times solves the problem of safety. This is simply an opportunity to discuss with your children how they felt about the person they spoke to and perhaps what it was they didn’t like about the person. Remember this is a work in progress, not a one time chat.

School Years: Around the age of six, children have been attending school or daycare for a while. Potential exposure to unknown people is now present. In the schoolyard, children are usually supervised by a school designee, but how diligent is this person? Children go on field trips and play dates and may not have the close supervision you provide at home. Awareness, planning, limit setting, evaluation, and assertiveness are the keys to improving your child’s personal safety. Children learn these critical concepts by watching their parents. If the father is not taking any steps to improve his own personal safety, he would suggest that it is highly unlikely that the child will be able to.

Awareness: Awareness is a critical feature of personal safety for both children and adults. Personal security scenarios are unlikely to spring up out of the blue. Warning signs often present themselves and people often miss them and have no plans on how to respond.

Children learn to be aware of their surroundings by watching their parents. Do you look around when you are leaving the grocery store or on the way to your car (still enjoying the day but noticing unusual or suspicious things)? Starting at 3 or 4 years of age, you can talk about being aware (not scared) while walking with your child.

Planning: Going over scenarios with your child is very beneficial. This is similar to road safety review and fire/earthquake drills. For example, you could ask your children about a scenario like this: “Let’s say you’re on the playground and an adult, whom you don’t recognize, walks up to you. What would you do? If he or she says so-and-so, how do you would you answer?” This is a good time to think about what you yourself would do in a similar situation. How can we advise our children if we don’t know what we are saying or doing ourselves? Once again, our children are watching and watching closely. They are always learning from us, so try to think of their daily actions as a template for how your children are likely to act.

Assertiveness – This is an absolutely critical part of anyone’s ability to stay safe. As you know, occasionally perpetrators will try to entice children to come along by saying things like “can you help me find my puppy, do you like video games and other similar questions?” Parents tell their children never to go with strangers and inform them of these tactics, however, children may go to this person because they don’t want to be rude and lack the assertiveness to say “no.”

Simply telling the child to say no instead of demonstrating continued assertiveness will not do any good. So when someone knocks on your door, do you just open the door or say through the door, “who is it?” Saying I’m not interested in a door salesperson isn’t rude, it’s assertive and more confident. Every knock on the door is a potential lesson for your child. Do you end sales phone calls in a courteous and assertive manner or do you hum and huff and whine after finally hanging up? Another lesson!

Do you force your son to hug Aunt Glad or give him the option to say no? There are endless examples, but I think you understand where I’m going with this.

Limit Setting: The ability to say no is an example of limit setting. Setting physical limits is another very important thing that a child or an adult should be able to do. Practice raising your hand as a stop sign, fully extended, as you ask your spouse, friend, or child to walk toward you about 20 feet away. As soon as he takes a step, raise your hand and firmly say “stay there please.”

A reasonable person with no intentions will stop. If the person continued to move, it would signal to you or your child… danger. Now would be the time to make noise and run.

You can have fun and practice this routine with your child. So when you come back to “what to do if someone approaches you on the playground” you can start with a limit and then have them say no to multiple requests. As your child gets older and more experienced, she will be able to understand the difference between a reasonable person having a normal, non-threatening conversation and someone who crosses boundaries and makes unreasonable requests. Being able to assess, trust intuition, and set limits will help your child through childhood and into adulthood.

Teaching children about personal safety is an ongoing process. There are life lessons that happen on a daily basis that we can use as examples. Remember that the way you live your life is a model for how your children will live theirs. Children tend to benefit much more from the “do as I do” approach compared to the “do as I say” approach. Personal safety is important to everyone in the family.