Many wives dealing with infidelity understandably want the full truth about every little detail of their husband’s life and thoughts. She may seem like a stretch to some, but when she has been betrayed and deceived by a web of lies, she can reach a point where she will only tolerate 100% truth at all times. This can include the mundane details of everyday life, and those little things that most would consider unimportant. Under this lens, many wives discover that their husbands are still floating lies, no matter how small. Understandably, this can arouse a wife’s suspicions even when nothing may be wrong.

She might say, “I used to shrug and sometimes laugh when my husband downplayed certain things or told white lies. For the most part, this was harmless. For example, he might lie about how much money he spent or when.” the last time she called her sister or her mother. She can downplay the time he spent in a bar or silly things like that. These are harmless things. But, since her affair, even small things like this are intolerable to me and it’s becoming a lot. bigger problem. Now I am extremely sensitive to lies because his lie is what allowed him to carry out his adventure successfully. That’s also why I didn’t suspect him until the affair turned into a real problem. or omit details about the matter. I fought hard for the truth. I stressed that I couldn’t move on until I felt he had told me everything. So, small bits of additional information leaked out. I thought that once this was behind him, he would have learned that he didn’t tell the truth. And yet I still catch him in little white lies. He will tell me that he had lunch in a certain place and, upon discovering it, he ate in another place. Or he will mix up the order in which he did things. When I confront him, he gets defensive and says that he was wrong to speak and that it is impossible to accurately count every second of his day. He told me that he should try it if I think it’s that easy. Honestly, I know where I’ve eaten. Precisely. Every time. I admit my husband can be giddy at times. But I think that if he knows that honesty is important to me, he would make more of an effort. Am I wrong about this? For me, especially now, accuracy is vital. I have no patience even for little lies. I’m exaggerating?”

I don’t think you are. What you are going through is normal. I reacted the same way. But I found something interesting, at least in my own case. Sometimes a mistake is just a mistake. For example, in the early stages of our recovery, I thought it was a big deal whenever my husband spoke badly. I thought it was potentially catastrophic every time I was late. He insisted that he was being truthful and sincere. And now, years later, I can look back and I can see that he was telling me the truth. Because in the years since then, he has done exactly what he said. But at the time, when things were so fresh that I assumed every little suspicion meant for certain that he might be cheating on me again. And these suspicions meant that he absolutely could not be objective. So in my case, I saw problems where none existed. That said, a friend of mine assumed the best of her husband and cheated on her again. So you never know. My strategy became that I would give myself the benefit of the doubt until it no longer made sense to do so. If too many things are suspicious, then it is wise to pay attention. But if someone just trash talks from time to time and their behavior is okay, then that may be normal.

Honestly, one of the best things you can try in this situation is to ask a counselor to ask your husband about the inconsistencies. That way, you don’t have to be the bad guy and you don’t have to feed your paranoia and suspicion. If your husband rejects counseling, try self-help that lists specific questions to ask. Ask your husband to write down the answers so that he is responsible for them. If what he claims turns out to be untrue, you have a written record of it. But if he’s telling the truth, you don’t need to read it again.

There is nothing wrong with insisting on full transparency and truth after an affair. Both are necessary. If you lie constantly and about important things, that can be worrying. But if he’s just trash talking innocent things when you’re trying to “catch” him at all times, then that may be more innocent. Usually it is the combination of their falsehoods and their behavior that is of most concern. Some men are not very good with details, but they constantly show their loyalty and do everything you ask of them. This distinction can be important.