I hear from many wives who are dealing with husbands who have announced that they no longer want to live together. Some of these husbands want to divorce. Some want a separation. Others just want “a break” or “some space.” And some want to stay married but would rather live apart and under separate roofs.

There is one thing that many of these wives have in common. They want to know what her husband is thinking. They want to know what would make a husband suddenly want to give up his cozy, warm, loving home and live alone. This feels like a serious rejection and something that could become permanent. Many of these wives say things like, “I don’t understand my husband’s thought process. I’m not denying that we’ve had marital problems. No one can deny that. Things have been very tense in our home. However, we’ve had problems.” before and we have been able to solve them. No matter how bad things get between us, I would never leave my husband or move away. I’m mature enough to stay and fight to get over it. More I’m practical enough to know that paying for two houses is silly. Things don’t need to be that extreme. But my husband apparently thinks things are so intolerable that that’s exactly what we should do. He has rented an inexpensive studio. in a not so big part of town. He will not say that we are separated. And he swears that he hasn’t contacted a lawyer. But when I ask him why he’s going to such lengths, he just says that he thinks we need some time apart. He won’t give me details. He’ll just talk in general about how he feels this is what he needs to do. My neighbor and her husband stayed married but lived apart for five years because they couldn’t get along. I pray that this is not my future. I don’t understand what would make one spouse want to live apart from the other. Can you explain it to me?”

I’ll do my best. I freely admit that I never had this thought process. I really wanted to save my marriage and stay together under the same roof. It was my husband who insisted on living apart, at least for a while. So I’ve talked to a few men and done a lot of research on this. I can share what I have learned. Below are some of the common reasons men will give for wanting to live apart from their wives.

A life situation that needs to change temporarily: In some situations, things have become so tense at home that a husband would rather live in a strange and small place than continue to live with tension and drama in a familiar environment. Sometimes he just reaches his tolerance level for fighting and wants a break. Although he knows that any change will cause additional expense and pain, he convinces himself that it will all be worth it so he doesn’t have to continue experiencing the confusion. Also, he thinks that if he can pause things for a while, maybe things will calm down and get better.

He wants you to take his wishes seriously: Many men take the very drastic measure of moving out as a way to play rough. They try very hard to get your attention because they are trying to bring about some change and they have come to believe that it will take something very drastic to bring about this change. If there’s any good news with this scenario, it’s that sometimes if the change happens before they actually move, they won’t actually leave. Or if it happens soon after they leave, they will consider coming back.

A shift in perception (often occurring in midlife) encourages you to think that you might be happier alone: Many men begin to change their perceptions when they take inventory of their lives in midlife. While many of us call this a midlife crisis, men dealing with it see it almost as an awakening. Many believe that they are taking an honest stock of their lives and discarding what no longer works. Some of them go through a phase (hopefully temporary) where they think their marriage is part of the problem. Some of them move on and realize that they were wrong in this perception. But they often insist on moving so they can see for themselves.

If your husband thinks he no longer wants to live with you or has already moved, try not to panic. Because panic will sometimes cause you to take actions that you will later regret. Sometimes the best thing is to be calm, be patient and know that sometimes this happens alone. In the meantime, you don’t want to take a tough stance that will cause your husband to avoid you or argue with you. Instead, he wants him to feel comfortable and encouraged to communicate with you, because this is what will pave the way for a reconciliation later. Not all moves like this are permanent. Many are not. But it may be important that you play this correctly.