Great athletes don’t start their game on the field or court or even in the locker room. No, they start their training long before they get to the arenas where the action takes place… they start the process in their minds. Most of us are not in the category of athletes, but we can all take a lesson from the way they use mindset to get results.

We all know how important mindset is when it comes to achieving goals at work or facing tough personal challenges like quitting smoking or losing weight. But you might be surprised how helpful it is to develop the right mindset when it comes to something seemingly ‘natural’: creating a passionate marriage or relationship. What you think about sex and what you know about yourself and your partner’s particular and unique sexual makeup may be one of the most important thoughts you can do to spice up the bedroom in your relationship!

7 mentalities to make love passionately

1) Recognize the fragile and elusive nature of sexual desire

You may feel a pang of sexual arousal only to find it gone the next moment. And if it’s like that for you, maybe it’s like that for your partner. So how do they sync up and make it happen?

Modern life, with its competing demands for home, work, and personal development, leaves little room for things that may require a slow burn. Therefore, do what you can to arrange the time/place/circumstance to give the elusive and fragile nature of desire room to flourish. (That often means scheduling sex… as unromantic as it sounds, the results will make you forget you scheduled the time.)

2) Understand the relationship conditions that favor a healthy sexuality

Because sex is so much about bodies (no kidding, right?), people assume they don’t need to be educated in that regard. Could not be farther from the truth. You’ve probably heard that “the largest sexual organ is between the ears.” It is true that the brain plays a very important role in creating and maintaining a healthy sex life.

Learn about relationship conditions that promote a satisfying sex life (for example, healthy communication between you and your partner that helps build trust and deepen emotional connection; nonjudgmental discussions of your sexual desires and fantasies). The more you learn about what it takes to keep a relationship strong overall, the more you’ll create the kind of loving, supportive, and intelligent atmosphere that will allow sexual intimacy to flourish.

3) Celebrate your differences with your partner instead of trying to squash them

A relationship is a beautiful, elaborate, often complex dance between two very different people. No matter how much you and your spouse/partner have in common, you are unique people. The challenge of a relationship and of intimacy in particular is to celebrate how different the two of you are and then incorporate that uniqueness into the union itself. Trying to flatten their differences into a one-dimensional whole will always backfire. Put the steamroller on the asphalt.

4) Foster an atmosphere of curiosity and acceptance to bring life to the bedroom.

Being curious about our world is part of what makes life exciting. (Curiosity may have killed the cat, but notice that satisfaction brought it back!) When we are curious, we are open to wonder, surprise, novelty, growth. If you already have a written script for what sex between you and your spouse/partner should be like, you’re missing out on capturing that shimmering wonder.

Be curious not only about what your partner might want, but also about your own desires (don’t assume you know everything you want just because you’ve been ‘okay’ with a certain status quo in the bedroom). And also, accept yourself and your partner. Nothing closes intimacy faster than judgment.

5) Learn how your past may be affecting your sex life?

Our pasts are our pasts, end of story… right? Not always. To deny how our past may have shaped us is to block out information that could benefit our relationships. The attitudes our families of origin had about sexuality are a contributing factor to our current mindset. This doesn’t mean you have to stick to those old scripts if they don’t suit you now, but it does mean you have to acknowledge them (bring them out, so to speak) before you can let them go.

6) Explore, play, discover

When we take ourselves too seriously, we tend to feel overwhelmed or besieged. Certainly there are aspects of life that need to be treated in a dark way, but sex with your partner shouldn’t be one of them. We often find the greatest pleasure in life when we can approach things with a playful attitude (it’s no coincidence that people report feelings of joy when pursuing a hobby or when on vacation…those are forms of play).

Allow yourself to explore, play and discover when it comes to your intimate relationship. Letting go of the overly serious mindset can open you up to the carefree abandon associated with gambling…an abandon that fosters great heights of enjoyment.

And an added bonus: what you might discover about yourself and your partner in the process can also foster a higher level of emotional closeness.

7) Decide on sex and then put the effort into

Although TV and movies make it seem like great sex happens naturally and organically (magically!), nothing could be further from the truth. Like everything else that is truly important in life, a regular and healthy sex life between committed people requires a decision (again that mentality) and then the necessary effort is applied.

This may sound like a job for you, but what it really is is a means of fostering a healthy habit and relationship mindset. If you’re simply waiting for the “perfect” time to be physically with your partner, you may be waiting too long. (And studies show that when sex just doesn’t happen in a relationship where two people need/want it, the absence of sex can hijack even the good aspects of the union.)

Work life and home life are busy and will continue to be so. Therefore, it is up to you and your partner to decide that sex is important enough for you to decide for it and honor it with the necessary effort. Couples who have a great sex life have earned that sex life…they didn’t sit around and see if they would be one of the “lucky ones.”

So when it comes to intimacy with your partner, take a page out of the book of great athletes and acknowledge the importance of education, visualization, and strategy off the field. Before you buy sexy lingerie or book that weekend retreat, develop the right mindset. When it comes to sex, your mindset is key!