I recently heard from a wife who was reeling from the realization that her husband really was having an emotional affair. Apparently, the wife had suspected something inappropriate between her husband and a co-worker for some time, but the husband always told the wife that she was imagining things and “making a fool of herself.” But, the wife recently found out that her suspicions weren’t so ridiculous after all. She found some emails and texts between the two that obviously showed a relationship and connection.

Needless to say, the wife immediately confronts the husband with proof in hand. The husband eventually relented that the two had “some kind of emotional connection,” but then went on to say that “nothing happened.” The wife understood this to mean that nothing physical happened, which means there was no sex.

However, the whole “nothing happened” argument just didn’t work with the wife. In the first place, she wasn’t sure if she even believed this. But also, she was as hurt by the emotional betrayal as she suspected she would have been if there had been an actual physical betrayal. She said, in part: “Those emails and texts tore me up inside. He loved and supported her the same way he used to be with me when we got married. He seemed so sweet and caring in a way that he has never acted.” me in a long time. If this isn’t an affair and a hoax, I don’t know what is.”

The wife’s feelings were not unusual. I hear from many wives in this situation and most feel that emotional cheating is still cheating even when the husband swears “nothing happened.” Many see emotional betrayal as painful as physical betrayal.

Men in this situation, however, do not always see it that way. Sometimes I also hear from them and sometimes they see this as a great distinction. They don’t understand why, if they didn’t physically cheat, they are treated as if they did. Sometimes I am able to make them understand by changing the situation and asking them how they would feel if his wife had an “emotional” connection with another man. Sometimes this sounds familiar and other times it doesn’t. But there is no doubt in my mind that husbands and wives view this issue very differently.

So where does this leave wives whose husbands had an emotional affair? My take on this is that the healing process is generally the same as it would be if the issue were physical. Because at the end of the day, emotional cheating is often carried out in exactly the same way: secretly and by betraying a spouse. And there is no doubt that the husbands in this scenario were looking for emotional support in a place where they should not have been. I often tell husbands that if they’re doing something they wouldn’t do with their wife standing on her shoulder, then I tell them it’s inappropriate, hurtful, and just plain wrong.

In truth, I think most husbands know deep down in their hearts that the emotional thing is wrong, so they don’t tend to do it openly. But, many will try to justify it with the excuse that “nothing happened”. If this is your scenario, sometimes you will have to be very direct about the fact that you see it as a hoax or an affair, period. Sometimes this will at least slow down your argument that “nothing happened” and allow you to see that you’d better stop using it and deal with the problem at hand.

That said, both physical and emotional healing is certainly possible. And, the steps for both are quite similar. You’ll want to find out why this betrayal happened, put some safeguards in place, and start rebuilding the marriage and closeness, if that’s what you plan to do. My take on this may be because I am a woman who has dealt with infidelity, but my take is that the core issue is not whether something physical happened, but whether there was a betrayal and whether or not it can be fixed.