I often hear from people who are tired of feeling like they are carrying their marriage completely on their own shoulders without any help from their spouse. Often this gets so old that you may start to wonder how much longer you can take it.

I heard from a wife who said, “I feel like I’m the only one doing my own thing in my marriage. When my husband and I first met, he was romantic and tried hard. He used to bring me flowers and I thought a lot about where he would take me.” for our dates. If I did something nice for him, I always noticed it and then reciprocated. If I made dinner, he did the dishes. He always cleaned up after himself and was an easy person to love and live with. Well, after She’s about eight years old, she gave up all that. Basically, she just sits and waits for me to do all the work. Last week, she forgot about our anniversary. And I didn’t even get a card. She leaves her dirty clothes all over the house. He never helps me with anything to do with the house or our marriage. There is no romance in him anymore. If I want to go on a date, then I have to plan and do everything. He doesn’t lift a finger in ours anymore marriage.There is absolutely no effort on your part.I feel like I am the only one in my marriage. And it’s a lonely place to be. If things don’t change, I don’t think he’s going to stay. What can I do?” I will try to address these concerns below.

Before I start offering ideas and advice, I want you to know that I understand and validate your concerns. I know that people may have told you that the spark goes away after several years of marriage and that if you are demanding at least some romance or spark, you are asking too much. I strongly disagree with this. When my own marriage stalled and resentment began to build, I listened to everyone who told me I was overreacting and backed off and hoped for the best. I ended up separated and heartbroken, until I was able to change things. So I firmly believe that doing nothing and hoping for the best is the worst plan imaginable. I think it’s best to take immediate action, without overreacting enough to put your spouse on the defensive. I will discuss this below.

Ask yourself if the little things that bother you are symptomatic of a bigger problem: Your mom or some other wise person may have already told you that fighting to keep the toilet seat up has nothing to do with the toilet seat. Well, she’s absolutely right. Often, after disappointments and resentments have built up for a while, she’ll notice that people find small, subtle ways to show their discontent. They may not even realize they are doing it. But she will often see them putting less effort into every area of ​​their marriage.

And you’ll often find yourself arguing over basic things like sharing chores or not making a romantic effort when those things aren’t the core of the issue at all. Often it is a loss of intimacy that manifests itself in those little domestic matters of your married life.

I bring this up because I want you to be aware that even if you come to a compromise in effort and household chores, you will always want to also look at your bond and your intimacy. Because if you have mundane problems that are common to many marriages, it is highly recommended to make sure that this is all there is.

Frankly, if you can restore intimacy to your marriage and have that “in love” or even “lust” feeling once again, little things like dishes won’t bother you as much. And, since you’re both satisfied, you’ll find that your spouse really wants to do better because he wants to keep that reward constant.

It always helps to make him a willing participant instead of using negative comments: I know it’s very tempting to point out that your husband is selfishly allowing you to shoulder all the responsibilities yourself. The words lazy or selfish can escape your lips. But honestly, this strategy will make you defensive and feel unappreciated and things may even get worse. You can even go back further.

So your best bet is to make him want to do better with positive reinforcement. You can start by happily asking him to help you with the dishes. When he does this, praise him generously. Tell him when he helps you, it reminds you of those early days when we did everything as partners. You could say something like, “I miss those early days as partners. I miss the closeness we had. We’re going to have to do this more often.”

At that point, if appropriate, you should offer him a physical connection. This just reinforces that positive reinforcement that will make him want to do better. You could even make a comment like “See what happens when you help me?” It won’t take long for him to connect the dots and realize that helping him is absolutely beneficial to him.

Once they’re linked and clicked again, you could jokingly ask her to plan and execute a night out or weekend getaway. Again, you have to be playful. Because this is usually the most effective currency with men and helps both of them get more of what they want, which equals a more equitable and happy marriage.