I often get emails from people who tell me they doubt they’ll ever be able to get over their spouse’s infidelity in a way that’s healthy enough to ensure they can move on. They really want to be to get past feelings of hurt, frustration, and betrayal, but often there are always memories, doubts, or issues that seem to get in the way of this. Nobody wants a life sentence like this, but people often fear that this is exactly what is going to happen. Often, they just can’t imagine a future that doesn’t include the way they feel now.

I understand these fears. I felt them myself, but in the end, I was able to get over it. And I showed a lot of the “signs” that people assume mean you’re not going to be able to move on. I’m often asked things like “how do I know I’m at the point where I can’t get over this? Part of me hopes that eventually I’ll get over it. But another part of me just knows that this is a deal breaker that I’ll never get over.” I will recover I will try to answer this question in the next article.

Anger and frustration don’t always mean you can’t get over cheating: I often hear from people who tell me that they hate the spouse they cheated on with a passion. They tell me they think these strong emotions mean they can never move on. I understand this assumption, but it is often not true. Almost everyone is angry for quite a while. You need time to process things, and it will take some time for your spouse to show you through their actions that you and your marriage can heal if that’s what you want.

And, strong negative emotions aren’t really indicative of an inability to move on. The lack of emotions is actually more worrisome. Strong emotions like anger, hurt, and fear are indicative of the fact that you still care a lot about the person and the relationship, even if you wish you didn’t at the moment.

Lack of confidence after infidelity is not something that cannot be overcome: On the other side of the coin, I sometimes hear from people who tell me that over time, their anger and hurt have started to fade a bit. They are starting to see their partner in a more positive light, but they can’t seem to restore trust. They are always doubting and suspicious of their spouse. They are always suspicious and this frustrates their ability to move on.

Once again, restoring trust is something that takes time. But more than that, if you don’t get what you need, you may have to ask for it. You may need to explain to your partner that you want and need to be checked in, included in extended periods of absence, and allowed access to your cell phone or computer if you feel the need to check in to make yourself feel safe.

A spouse who is serious about restoring their trust should have no problem with this. Sure, it can be frustrating for both of you and you can feel like the parent while they feel like the kid. But if this is part of what he needs to restore trust, then he has to figure it out and hang in there.

Indifference and the desire to stop trying is more indicative of a person who cannot get over infidelity: As I’ve mentioned, a spouse who is hurt and angry and unwilling to trust again (at least right now) doesn’t always mean that the marriage won’t survive or that you won’t be able to move on from this infidelity. . Usually it just means there is work to be done and more productive time (and rehabilitation) is needed. Usually these things can be overcome if both people are willing to continue this work.

Usually, what is more problematic is that the cheated spouse becomes indifferent. They are not so hurt anymore. They may not even be angry. In reality, they don’t care at all anymore because they are no longer involved in the relationship. In short, they know they are “done.” They are no longer interested in trying to figure things out or moving on. They are not emotional or angry about this. They just intellectually know that they are no longer interested in continuing down this path because they know that this is not the best option for them at the moment.

If you’re still angry, hurt, or mistrustful, chances are you still care and are still involved. It also means you have more healing to do. I cannot promise you that this healing will be easy. It’s probably work. But I’ve seen it lead to rehabilitation and peace many times, so most people who follow this path feel like it was worth it in the end. This is usually true whether the marriage survives or not, because at least you know you did everything you could.