The issue of bullying is usually associated with children and adolescents. Children are bullied at school, in their neighborhoods, and through social media. It can be from people they know, or when it’s through social media, it can also be from people they’ve never met. When you are the recipient of such actions, it is an extremely painful, lonely, and helpless experience. Even adults can be bullied, sometimes by people in their own families.

For example, a daughter-in-law may bully her mother-in-law. For some of you this may be hard to imagine, but for others, you know it very well. A daughter-in-law can bully by:

1.Avoiding your MIL contact with your child and grandchildren. This can be seen when the DDI decides that they (her husband, her children and herself) will not include the MIL for holidays, Mother’s Day, special occasions, general visits, etc. Usually, she won’t say anything directly, but if pushed, she’ll have a reason why she’s doing it. Most of the time she communicates to her MIL through her husband (the MIL’s son), and the MIL’s action is based, most of the time, on something she think the THOUSAND did or said.

2.Refuse to have any contact with your MIL. If the MIL tries to call or reach your DIL, the DIL ignores the MIL’s attempts, which puts the MIL in a position where it feels completely helpless. The DIL seeks to change what she sees as a position of power. Her goal is to gain the power that she perceives or fears that AMI has in their relationship.

3.Making sarcastic comments about the MIL.These sarcastic comments are made in the presence of other family members, including grandchildren. Things like making fun of her, belittling her as a mother or grandmother (among other comments) are done whether her MIL is present or not. As you can imagine, this takes away from the integrity of the MIL in the family. This is especially damaging when grandchildren are within earshot.

Why do daughters-in-law bully?

People who bully, in this case a DDI who bullies, do so because they are immature, insecure, have low self-esteem, and want to feel powerful or important. And because she doesn’t know how to feel important or powerful in any other way, she harasses. She perceives or fears that the MAI is more important and/or has a higher status in the family than she is. She feels that she needs to take this MIL status away from her. She is intimidating because she wants everyone, but particularly the MIL, to know the importance of her place in this new family. Or, perhaps more important, she wants to take any power or importance. farof the MIL.

What can a mother-in-law do?

Unlike bullying that occurs among children and among adolescents, an IDD who harasses your MIL is really involving the entire family. And this is where things get complicated. As a rule, family dynamics are set up in such a way that no one deals directly with the problem of bullying. The MIL (and their family side) are afraid to do or say anything for fear of retaliation; the DDI’s husband does not see it, does not want to see it, or does not know what to do when she sees it; the family side of the DIL is in cahoots knowingly or unknowingly, or they are also afraid of it.

If the MIL talks to your child, it puts him in the middle and often gets angry with hisbecause he doesn’t know what to do either, and he doesn’t want to make trouble at home. If the MIL gets angry and expresses their frustration at her DIL, it only makes the situation worse, as this gives the DIL the ammunition she needs to justify her actions. However, if keeping the peace means doing nothing, then that’s not the answer either. So what’s a MIL to do?

A MIL can:

Recognize the characteristics of your DIL that plagues you: immature, insecure, low self-esteem, and a feeling of helplessness or unimportance.

With these things in mind: Know that a DIL will often tie her actions (controlling/bullying behavior) to some situation with you or something you specifically did to cause her to take this action. (Remember, the DIL will most likely not recognize the features described above as part of itself.)

· Find the reason behind the DIL’s bullying response; In other words, what does she think you have done or said to justify acting in this way?

(Please note that your justification may or may not be based on something that is true/accurate. This doesn’t matter. What matters is that this is her perception. Your perception of him is your starting point.)

Once you know what the catalyst is, you’ll be in a position to start changing your situation with your DIL, without getting defensive, explaining, or justifying yourself in the hope that your DIL will see your point of view.

Sometimes a DIL isn’t even willing to talk to your MIL. I suggest that the MIL initially write “thank you” letters to their DIL (I write about this in my book, Reluctantly Related). This starts to open the door a bit and then you can start the process that I outlined above.

The key is to realize that your DIL wants to feel that they matter and that they are an important person in the family. She wants to be recognized for her new position with her husband.