Sometimes I hear from wives that they feel quite criticized and not accepted by their husbands. One of the common complaints is that the wife “doesn’t try anymore” or “she has gotten carried away.” I fully admit that I often side with wives on this issue. Because I’ve been on the receiving end of this criticism and I feel like most of the time it’s pretty unfair and it’s a bit of a double standard. However, it is often the reality. And if left unaddressed, it can leave her marriage in trouble or even end it.

A wife might explain it this way: “Last Friday night, my husband came up to me to go out to dinner. He said he wanted to celebrate because it was the weekend. Honestly, I had the busiest week at work and I was exhausted. On top of that, I was carpooling all week and had to take my son to orchestra practice that night. Honestly, I just wanted to turn on Dateline and put on my pajamas. I asked my husband if he’d mind ordering pizza. and go out on saturday. He sighed deeply like I told him I was never going out again instead of asking for a postponement. He whispered under his breath, ‘you never make an effort for me anymore.’ I asked him what the hell he was talking about He said I don’t make an effort to spend time with him, look pretty for him, and make time just for him. He said by the time it comes time for me to give myself to him, I’m too exhausted. He’s right about that. I’m exhausted from him. weekend, and I feel like the last thing I want to do is get ready and stay up late. I think he is selfish of me. for him to pout like a child when I don’t do exactly what he wants when he wants. We all dress up on Sundays to go to church and then eat out. It’s not like he never sees me dressed. He says I don’t do things to make him feel special, but he doesn’t always do this for me either and I don’t always expect it because I know we live in the real world and have adult responsibilities. The needs and commitments of our children often come first and yes, sometimes we try too hard. But our children will only be with us for a certain period of time before they are adults.”

I sympathize. Frankly, Friday night in my pajamas and in front of my television is also healing me. Sometimes it can feel like my sanctuary and often I invite my husband to sit and watch next to me. I wait for him and I protect him. So I know exactly how you feel. And I don’t think it’s selfish of you to ask. But I also get a lot of correspondence from men who describe situations very similar to this. The problem is extremely real for them. And I’ve heard that it leads to separations and divorces. Also, I think that was a problem in some ways in my own marriage before our separation, although it wasn’t the only one.

So I would never tell you to ignore the problem. In my opinion, that would simply not be wise. You would get what you wanted temporarily, but your husband would not. And he might resent this, or he might feel like you’re not listening or just don’t care.

I think probably the best solution here is to try to strike a balance and that’s not always easy. We are often inclined to try to reason with our husband. We will try to explain to him how tired we are and how he must know how much we love him. And he may agree on the surface, but he may be deeply angry that his wife isn’t giving him what he thinks she needs. And he may start to move away from you or become distant. Then you put in less effort in response and it becomes a destructive cycle.

I think there is possibly a more effective way to make your point. Next time you feel like it, find a babysitter, dress up, and give your husband exactly what he’s been waiting for. When he’s happy and content with this, tell him that you wish you could do this all the time, but it’s not always possible due to your commitments. Tell her husband that she could help if she could cover orchestra practice on Friday so she won’t be so tired. Or maybe the two of you could be very honest about how often he needs to “stretch” and how often he needs to relax.

Sometimes the easiest way to handle this is to schedule regular outings for him and regular rest for yourself. That way everyone knows what to expect and no one feels slighted or ignored. It can be tricky to come up with a schedule that makes everyone happy, but it’s worth it. And it’s much easier to navigate this now than having to try to save your marriage later because you didn’t address it.

I have found it helpful to view “strive” as a mime. It’s easy to get frustrated and think you “have” to groom yourself because of him when you’d be happy in your pajamas. But the truth is, every time I do this, I feel better and I’m glad I made the effort. Also, my husband’s reaction is always very sweet and endearing and makes me feel closer to him. I know the challenges of managing fatigue when you’re trying to be everything to everyone. And there will be days when, honestly, you will have to take a raincheck. But you don’t want to get into the habit of always taking a raincheck. Taking care of your marriage is very important, even when there are children. Especially when there are children. You are modeling the marriage they could one day have. And ideally, you want them to make time for their marriages, too.