I recently had the opportunity to meet with a divorced couple and their four children. The children ranged in age from adolescence to late adolescence. The family unit was in crisis due to the divorce and the way it was handled. I’m sure the cost was over $100,000 for both parties, which is certainly a lot of money. This could have been resolved for less than $10,000 in mediation. The litigation dragged on due to the enmity of the lawyers, the frustration and anger of the participants, and the turbulence created by the process. Sometimes it is not the family that causes the biggest problem, but the policies and methods of the defenders themselves. Are children heard more in the contested divorce model or in the mediation process? Do children do better in a contested divorce or through mediation?

For those who aren’t aware, in the litigated model, attorneys present their clients’ views to each other and to the judge; at some point they agree, compromise, or agree to disagree, and then the judge makes a decision. This differs from the mediated model, or a hybrid application, such as collaborative or cooperative divorce, where both parties (husband and wife) sit with a mediator or other affiliated professionals and each party presents their views. The mediator then helps negotiate the points until there is a consensus, drafts the documents, which allows the ex-partner to file the completed documents with the court, and if the judge sees that the process and documents are appropriate and has no questions, then the divorce is granted and final.

In the litigated model, sometimes the children are heard and sometimes not, but in any case, the decision is made by the judge, which is final. In the mediated model, children are governed by the parents’ submission of their requests to each other, and the parents make the decisions in terms of what they want, not a judge.

In this case, the main problem from the children’s perspective was their inability to be heard, heard by advocates and heard by their parents. Once heard, the problems could be resolved by the parents to the satisfaction of the family unit. Divorcing parents need to listen to their children and understand that divorce affects everyone, not just them. While it is difficult to listen to children through all the frustration and anger exhibited by parents, it must be done. Sometimes parents think that they are the only ones getting divorced and that the children don’t really count, or that they are not old enough to deserve to be heard. This is a major bug that can fester and manifest into problems down the road. Poor grades in school, stomach aches, skipping school, waking up late, not listening to teachers, alcohol and drug use are just some of the ways children and adults react to the stress and acrimony of divorce.

So what do we do?

First, we must realize that it is not only the husband and wife who are divorcing. It is the family unit, the children, the house, the dogs, the cats, the fish, etc. It is all that the home is, stands for, or holds, that will be torn apart. We need to talk to the children together and explain exactly what is happening. We need to put our family first and come up with a schedule that makes sense. Putting children in untenable situations, asking them to make decisions about which parent they want to be with or not to be with, is WRONG! Blaming children for the situation is WRONG! Even if kids had something to do with it, we’re supposed to be adults and kids should be allowed to be kids.

We have to do what is best for the children, the family first, and only then for ourselves. For example, the programming should be similar to what children are accused of. Also, when creating a visiting schedule, make the time make sense to you, the adult. Don’t try to schedule a time that you can’t commit to. Don’t try to schedule the time just because you want to frustrate or anger the other party. Don’t use children to annoy the other side. In the end, they will only hurt themselves and more importantly their children. Set a time that makes sense to them and to you. If that means you can spend less time with the kids but spend quality time with them, that’s all the better.

Getting angry only costs money, so why are so many people doing it? While I realize it can be difficult, working with your ex regarding the children will go a long way toward having a good divorce without all the frustration, anger, and spending money that many divorcing couples go through. A good divorce always leaves more money for children and spouses than for lawyers. Sometimes our anger gets in the way, and then we have to pay more money for advocates than we can give our children. It doesn’t make sense, and we must have a realistic view of what is really happening. In short, in most cases there is no reason to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a contested divorce when mediation, cooperative divorce, and collaborative divorces are available.